Feeding children efficiently, healthily and affordably can be a big challenge.
(For more information, please refer to my posts on packing healthy lunches, feeding kids treats or eating sausage with a screwdriver.)
So a couple of years ago, we finally did it.
Finally took the plunge.
Finally threw caution to the wind . . . and ate breakfast at IKEA.
1 Croissant
1 Sausage
Scrambled Eggs
Hash Browns
$1
Yes, $1
When I was in line, I asked how much for a side order of bacon. She said ninety-nine cents. I asked if there was a limit per person, or whether I could actually just stand there while they filled my entire IKEA-size shopping cart with bacon.
Like, dude, here’s my credit card – just keep spooning bacon until that thing maxes out.
We had 2 coffees, 1 milk, 1 breakfast, 1 deluxe breakfast (which comes with an extra sausage + pancakes), and 1 side of bacon.
Our bill was $7.
SEVEN. DOLLARS.
But . . . before you jump up to let out the seam in your bacon-eating pants it might be worth a gander at my IKEA Breakfast Review:
1. Scrambled Eggs
Perhaps I got off on the wrong foot with the scrambled eggs by seeing them doled out, via ice cream scoop, by a very, very angry ex-convict (allegedly). It’s like this dude’s entire family had been murdered by scrambled eggs and he was getting his revenge by schlopping them onto plates as violently as possible.
Regardless, these foamy yellow curds (and I don’t mean yellow like eggs, I mean yellow like tartrazine with electric current running through it) no more resembled scrambled eggs than they did a reasonably-priced table lamp.
Spongy. Flavourless. Basically they were human despair in egg form.
2. Croissant
Mmmm . . . just like Grandma used to make – with extra calcium propionate! As artificial as you can imagine – like, the croissant melts in your mouth . . . but in a way that’s a lot like Mordor calling for your soul.
3. Hash Browns
Actually not too shabby. Just your average little globs of trans-fatty goodness.
4. Sausage
To call this spongy, wrinkled little abomination a “sausage” would just be wrong on such a high level. There was so much artificial colour added to this little wiener that it may as well have been a lesser cast member of The Jersey Shore.
I’d say that this is what you get when you mix up a whole bunch of chemicals, salt, pork fat and sawdust . . . but that would just be insulting to the sawdust.
5. Overall
Seven dollars?? 99 cent bacon??
“Hello, IKEA, I’d like to make a Sunday breakfast reservation, table of four.”
“Okay, which week?”
“Every week dude . . . every week.”
.
.
