Expecting a baby? Better catch up on your sleep!!

Posted on September 13, 2011 by Before I Had Kids

Why do people say this when they find out you’re going to have a baby?

First, I’m pretty sure most expectant parents are aware that sometimes babies wake up at night.

Second, how, exactly, do you suddenly extra enjoy something you’ve been doing your whole life? Bigger bed? White noise machine? A blanket made of soft, purring, albino kittens?

Third, and most importantly, say you did somehow figure out how to find sleep especially enjoyable while expecting.

Say you do find a way to really relish your rest, savour your sleep, suck the marrow from your nightly unconsciousness.

Then the baby comes and your life is COMPLETELY RUINED because now you’re so in love with sleep that your mewling little puddle of crying poo could never compete.

I hate sleep!

Yay! Sure glad I trained myself to LOVE AND APPRECIATE sleep there for a few months before my life got ruined.

Want to come over later and kick my dog and light some of my art on fire??

It’s sort of like being in . . . what’s that movie called again?

Posted on September 9, 2011 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids, I had no trouble running on very little sleep.

When I was going to university I could stay up partying all night, roll in for a full day of classes, and still manage to maintain my concentration all day, no problem.

Now that I have 2 children though, I . . . wait, what?

Where am I?

Whose baby is this?

What’s darker, maroon or burgundy?

Why am I holding mustard?

Why did they change the ending of I Am Legend?

Oooooh, cake!!

Great Expectations, Naptime Edition

Posted on July 11, 2011 by Before I Had Kids

Ahhhh, naptime.

Or as I like to call it, “the happiest time in the history of all times.”

Throughout the day, we tend to gather a list of tasks, impossible to accomplish with two little kids, thinking “oh, we’ll just take care of that during naptime.”

Of course, somehow what actually gets accomplished tends to look more like this:

We is smart parenting people who know stuff and things.

Posted on January 25, 2011 by Before I Had Kids

Being a parent is an often humbling experience. You’re busier, you’re sleeping less, you’re more stressed, and as a result . . .

You do a lot of stupid, stupid things.

A few months ago, my wife and I put our 18 month old son to bed. Parker is an excellent sleeper. He goes to bed happily and falls asleep easily and generally sleeps soundly for about 11 consecutive hours.

I know, I know – you despise me right now. And I can understand that. I don’t blame you. But it wasn’t always that way – he used to be a terrible sleeper.

So anyway, with Parker being such a good sleeper, it surprised us a bit when, one night this fall, he stayed up for a LONG time after we had put him to bed.

“Should I go in there and check on him?”

“I’m not sure. This is really weird – I put him down almost an hour ago!”

“I know! So strange.”

“But he’s really happy – maybe he just wasn’t as tired tonight.”

“Yeah you’re right – don’t go in, he’s happy. Leave well enough alone, right?”

So we agreed. And then left Parker to his own devices. But it continued. And continued. And we kept hearing his happy little voice, loud and clear through the monitor.

“Gah! Bah! Mama! Mamamamamamamama! Goop! Doop! Goop! Mamamamamamama!”

Eventually of course, we decided that it would be wise for me to go up and check on him, his apparent happiness notwithstanding.

Now, given my proclivity for detective work and the number of Law & Order episodes I’ve watched, it didn’t take long for me to figure out what the problem was.

We had LEFT HIS BEDROOM LIGHT ON. Just plain left it on. It was bright as day in there.

Now, I’m not 100% up to date on what doctors recommend as ideal sleeping conditions for infants, but I’m willing to bet that it’s not a non-stop onslaught of 300 watts of incandescent light.

I’ll keep you posted.

It goes without saying if it’s spilled wine.

Posted on January 12, 2011 by Before I Had Kids

As the saying goes, there’s no sense crying over spilled milk.

Of course, if it’s 8PM on what feels like the longest day of your life, the baby has been screaming for hours, you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since August, you already have milk on your socks, and it’s the fourth glass of milk that has been spilled that day . . .

Just cry, man.

Just cry.

Outsmarted. By a 5 year old. (Again.)

Posted on January 10, 2011 by Before I Had Kids

I’m not quite sure how she manages it, but for the past two nights our little girl has been pulling one over on us.

For a year or so, she’s often been waking up early, and then coming in to our room, waking us up and asking if she can get into our bed and sleep with us.

I wouldn’t really mind except that we don’t have a king-sized bed and I’m not sure if you’re aware or not but five year olds in your bed FIDGET LIKE LITTLE METHED-UP GOPHERS. Foot in the back, elbow in the ribs, finger in the eye . . . she’s the only one who gets any sleep whatsoever in this situation.

So we decided to institute a ‘no children in Mommy and Daddy’s bed before 7:00′ policy. To facilitate said policy, we got Maddy an alarm clock and told her that she is not allowed to come in to Mommy and Daddy’s room until her clock says “seven first.”

This worked great!

For about 9 consecutive days, I was awakened by a little girl asking to get into our bed at PRECISELY seven o’clock. I can only assume that she was waking up at 6 then for a full hour just staring desperately, unblinkingly, at those little digital numbers, concentrating and willing them to change to seven first. I can’t imagine how long and horrifying that first morning must have been for her, what with her not knowing how many minutes there are in an hour.

Then she started sleeping in until almost 8:00 and it was omigodsofrickinawesome.

(Naturally, that didn’t last.)

But the past two nights? The past two nights, that little monkey has been coming in to our room, quietly and carefully creeping up the end of the bed, and silently sneaking into our bed between us, delicately getting under the covers without waking either of us up, and going to sleep in our bed in between us.

What time of the night/morning has she been doing this? I have no idea because she’s been so quiet and still, but let me tell you, it’s more than a bit disconcerting to wake up and have an EXTRA HUMAN BEING in your bed.

I mean, when you roll over and see a person other than the one you were expecting in the bed next to you, it can be pretty jarring.

(Thankfully it almost always turns out to be someone I know).

Nothing personal – that’s just a few million years talking.

Posted on December 6, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Dear Analytical People of the World,

If you have a baby and are deciding whether or not to have a second/third/fourth/Duggerth, abandon your precious “logic” at the door. It will do you no good here.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter.

Sincerely,

Genetics

When Your Baby is 1 Month Old

“What have we done? What have we done to our lives? Why would we do something like this? WHY, DAMNIT!? <<uncontrollable sobbing>> I haven’t slept. I can hardly see straight. Our friends are out there frolicking in sleep-in, watch football, go-to-dinner-and-a-movie happy super fun land and here we are, in this cage . . . that WE created. I HATE YOU SO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE IT. WHY have you done this to me!? I knew my mother was right about you.”

When Your Baby is 3 Months Old

“How could we have done this to ourselves? This is the ONLY kid we’re ever having. We’ll take shifts until she gets her driver’s license and then things will go back to their beautiful, normal, blissful, relaxing, child-free state of awesomeness. We’ll start charging her rent at 17 and straight-up kick her out onto the street if she’s not gone by 19.”

When Your Baby is 6 Months Old

“I mean, even if I wanted to (and I DON’T, let’s be clear on this) . . . even if I wanted to have another baby, neither of us have showered today and we’ve both been peed and spit up on so many times in the past six months, this ain’t exactly like a sheepskin rug, a crackling fire and a Barry White album. No offense honey, but even if we wanted to, I’m not sure how we could possibly get pregnant any time in the next . . . like, let’s say 2 years.”

When Your Baby is 1 Year Old

“I’m happy with our decision, honey. Really, I am. No, I am. I am. I am. I mean, I know lots of kids who grew up as only children and didn’t turn out totally screwed up. Lots! And yeah, I love hanging out with my sisters, and I know you love hanging out with your brother and sister, and yeah the holidays are SO much better with lots of family around . . . but yeah, I’m happy with our decision. Really, I am. No, I am. I am. I am. Love it. Love you so much hun!”

When Your Baby is Almost 2

“What!? You don’t want to have another baby!? Are you kidding me? No, no. It’s okay. I mean, if you want to have one of those screwed up only children, that’s fine. I’ve wanted to have a second all along, but if you want to change that now . . . you know, maybe my mother was right about you, after all.”

Half-Life, I’m looking at you . . .

Posted on September 20, 2009 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids, I had time to enjoy some of the finer things in life.

You know, like playing a video game for 14 consecutive hours before realizing that it’s daylight AGAIN, then staggering about in a borderline-psychotic daze, half-expecting flying killer chickens to jump out at you from behind the bushes at any moment and start gnawing on your face.

And then spending three days attempting to restore some semblance of sleep/wake patterns.

So in other words, thanks, kids – I was much stupider before I became a father.

Daddy, are you awake? DADDY!! ARE YOU AWAKE??

Posted on September 13, 2009 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids, my wife and I got to sleep in every Saturday and Sunday.

We could get up whenever the hell we wanted.

We could laze around, read the paper, make breakfast, wander off at will.

Now?

Now, we don’t ever get to sleep in.

Instead, we are awakened every Saturday and Sunday morning at around 7:00 by a little girl who wanders in to our room, rubbing her eyes and dragging her blanket, asks to climb up into our bed with us, and then proceeds to giggle and wrestle and yell and bounce until we’ve been thoroughly awakened.

She beams with the possibility of the new day that she CANNOT WAIT to start, asking questions and telling stories and twitching about.

She practically vibrates with the excitement of the unknown day to come.

And you know what?

Compared to the wonder and joy and excitement that now ushers in our every morning, despite how much or how little we’ve slept the night before . . . sleeping in suddenly doesn’t look so good.

Me Sleep Okayly

Posted on August 24, 2009 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids I believed that sleep deprivation caused all sorts of problems in human beings, such as slurring, an inability to form coherent sentences, and a whole variety of general speech and language difficulties.

Now that I have a baby and a tollder, though, I know this is not true because my shiny monkey talky talk hatfucker cornmeal buggy buggy speaker box is 100% fine.

Just fine.

before i had kids

i used to be cool, i swear

Tag Archives: Sleep Deprivation