The Toddler Dossier
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Tag Archives: Pain
7 jokes that are *apparently* not funny during labor
Let this serve as a guide to all you future fathers out there – there are some situations in which “lightening the mood” with “super-funny” “jokes” is probably not going to do anybody any favors. The final stage of labor is definitely one of those situations.
(Or so I’ve been told.)
(Repeatedly.)
Hey baby, you’re doing great! Is there any chance we could just move things along a bit? I told my brother I’d meet him for a beer later.
Good pushing honey! Wouldn’t it be crazy if it turned out to be twins?
Wow, that looks like it hurts. I mean, just . . . wow. Ouch. Seriously, that CANNOT feel good.
Could somebody get me a stool? I’m exhausted.
I know we’ve been over this, but *how* sure are you that it’s mine?
Hey I was just talking to my Mom and apparently ENORMOUS babies run in our family! Isn’t that great?
I probably should have discussed this with you first, but I sort of told this girl at work you’d be a surrogate for her after you’re done with this one. That’s cool right?
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Radio Flyer’s Theorum
Not sure about sugar and spice, but at least it’s not pennies.
Little girls and little boys are very different creatures. In part they’re made that way, but mostly they’re born different.
NOTE: I know this because we had 3D ultrasounds taken of both our little girl and our little boy before they were born and in their third trimesters, the girl could already clearly be seen rolling her eyes at my lame jokes. The boy, on the other hand, is still killing himself over the one about the farting orangutan.
It’s easiest to tell little girls and little boys are fundamentally different, however, by examining the things that little boys almost inevitably do that little girls do not . . .
Stuff Little Boys do that Little Girls do Not
(Volume One)
1. Stick things up their noses.
Skittles, pennies, pellets, paper, crayons . . . things that are most certainly not smells.
2. Lick frozen poles.
Everyone in a Northern climate learns at a very young age that licking frozen metal always ends badly. Usually with panic, embarrassment, fear and a healthy dose of pain. Little girls accept this and do not lick frozen poles. Little boys? Nope, just gotta lick them frozen poles and guess what? Bad results.
3. Say “I bet this would really hurt” and then do it.
Little girls are apparently comfortable just carrying on assuming that jumping off the roof of the house into a pile of jagged lumber will hurt. Boys need proof.
4. Body modification during assembly.
I had a friend in elementary school whose annual Remembrance Day tradition was to pierce his ear with a poppy pin and then wear his poppy around as an earring all day. And then give himself a tattoo using a Bic pen and a paper clip.
(Don’t worry – he of course sterilized everything using his oily old Zippo lighter.)
Ah, memories. I hope those guys grew up and met some nice parole officers after they repaid their debts to society.
5. Light random things on fire.
Little girl: “whoa, what if it spreads and gets out of control and burns down a whole bunch of stuff and the fire department has to come?” as she backs away and gets away from the situation as quickly as possible and goes to play with her friends.
Little boy: “whoa, what if it spreads and gets out of control and burns down a whole bunch of stuff and the fire department has to come?” as his eyes sparkle with excitement and he develops a little wicked grin and reaches for the matches.