Remember to add diapers to grocery list. Remind spouse to empty diaper pail.
Level Two: The Dirty Diaper
Degree of Life Interruption:
Medium.
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, some pants, romance.
Eventual Result:
A bath for the kids.
Level Three: The Pooplosion
Degree of Life Interruption:
High.
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, all plans for the following 2 hours, satisfaction with life choices.
Eventual Result:
A bath for the kids, a hot shower with lots of off-market horse soap for the parents, a stiff drink, the lingering possibility of never eating or feeling compassion again.
Level Four: The Poopocalypse
Degree of Life Interruption:
Life?? YOU CALL THIS A LIFE?
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, sheets, wallpaper, toys, and the desire to carry on this pitiable, masochistic existence.
It’s time for another Before I Had Kids flowchart!
It seems there’s always another activity, always another event – how is a modern, time-pressured parent to determine whether it’s necessary to attend? Consult this handy flowchart and wonder no more!
Let this serve as a guide to all you future fathers out there – there are some situations in which “lightening the mood” with “super-funny” “jokes” is probably not going to do anybody any favors. The final stage of labor is definitely one of those situations.
(Or so I’ve been told.)
(Repeatedly.)
Hey baby, you’re doing great! Is there any chance we could just move things along a bit? I told my brother I’d meet him for a beer later.
Good pushing honey! Wouldn’t it be crazy if it turned out to be twins?
Wow, that looks like it hurts. I mean, just . . . wow. Ouch. Seriously, that CANNOT feel good.
Could somebody get me a stool? I’m exhausted.
I know we’ve been over this, but *how* sure are you that it’s mine?
Hey I was just talking to my Mom and apparently ENORMOUS babies run in our family! Isn’t that great?
I probably should have discussed this with you first, but I sort of told this girl at work you’d be a surrogate for her after you’re done with this one. That’s cool right?
Baby wipes are one of the great modern inventions.
As any parent who uses them will attest, the epic abilities of the legendary baby wipe go far beyond simply taking down unimaginable quantities of poo, however . . .
Alternative Uses for Baby Wipes
1. Crime scene cleanup
2. Shower alternative for new parents*
3. Surrender flag for army men battles
4. Air conditioning alternative**
5. Emergency pants!
6. Placebo nicotine patch
7. Effectively use to clean most brands of vomit off of most brands of smartphone screen
8. Makeshift gas mask in the event of a biological warfare attack***
9. Bedding for the Barbie Dream House couch, where Ken is sleeping (again)
-
*(What? You thought you were still going to get to shower every day after having a baby?? LOLOLOL!!).
**Scorching summer day? No air conditioning? Tuck a couple of baby wipes in your shoes for a cool, refreshing afternoon of laying out by the pool doing endless loads of hot, humid laundry and washing mountains of steaming dishes.
*** do not do this****
**** on second thought, if you needed this disclaimer, maybe you should go ahead and do it after all.
Ah, Show and Tell. It’s a time-honoured tradition that teaches children how important it is to have better stuff than other people you know.
And of course the school year starts off with the best of intentions, but as the months wear on . . .
1. September
A portrait of every one of your daughter’s classmates that you helped her paint on a large canvas, which you then had framed and donated to the class as a gift.
2. October
A hand-knit scarf your great ancestor Mildred Middlebottom made for a soldier who served served in the Franco-Prussian war and single-handedly halted a German invasion while wearing it.
3. November
A collection of seashells you gathered together last summer.
4. December
Half-finished colouring book.
5. January
The same dirty pair of mittens she’s worn to school every day since October because you forgot to send anything for show-and-tell.
6. February
A nine volt battery that used to be in a really cool toy that got broken and thrown in the garbage.
7. March
The mittens again.
8. April
A page torn out of the 2003 International Plant Nutrition Institute calendar.
9. May
Mittens.
8. June
A tic-tac that sort of looks like a white smartie.
