Tag Archives: Diapers

The 4 Levels of Diaper Change

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Earth Tone Number 1

Level One: The Wet Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Minimal.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, possibly some dinner reservations.

Eventual Result:

Remember to add diapers to grocery list. Remind spouse to empty diaper pail.

Earth Tone Number 2

Level Two: The Dirty Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Medium.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, some pants, romance.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids.

Earth Tone Number 3

Level Three: The Pooplosion

Degree of Life Interruption:

High.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, all plans for the following 2 hours, satisfaction with life choices.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids, a hot shower with lots of off-market horse soap for the parents, a stiff drink, the lingering possibility of never eating or feeling compassion again.

Earth Tone Number 4

Level Four: The Poopocalypse

Degree of Life Interruption:

Life?? YOU CALL THIS A LIFE?

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, sheets, wallpaper, toys, and the desire to carry on this pitiable, masochistic existence.

Eventual Result:

Vasectomy.

How to dress your newborn baby to keep her warm

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If She’s Your First Baby

organic cotton sleeper, cloth diapers, organic cotton blanket, fleece blanket, socks, booties, hat, mittens

Dressing Newborn Babies

If She’s Your Second Baby

hand-me-down sleepers, fleece blanket, mittens

If She’s Your Third Baby

dusty car blanket, disposable diaper

If She’s Your Fourth Baby

New York Times Business Review, band-aids, felt stickers, strawberry jam

The five stages of a diaper change standoff

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Stage One: Denial

“Nah, it’s not dirty – I think that was just gas.”

“Are you sure?  He’s sort of squirming around and grabbing at his pants . . .”

“It’s just gas.  It HAS TO BE.  I’ve changed 3 dirty diapers already this morning.”

 

 

Stage Two: Anger

“Gosh!  How many times could one baby possibly poop in ONE SINGLE DAY?”

“I mean, seriously!  You’re killing me here, child.  How long until you’re potty-trained, anyway? You’re already eighteen months old.  You know, if you were a lobster you would already have grown up and gone to a good school and found a good job and settled down and had your own lobster babies and wouldn’t even be my problem anymore.”

 

 

Stage Three: Bargaining

“You change him?  Please?  PLEASE!?  I’ll do it all day tomorrow.”

“I’ll give you a THOUSAND DOLLARS.”

“I’ll watch a Gossip Girl marathon with you tonight while discussing the characters during the commercial breaks.  While eating a cake that I will bake for you.  From scratch.  Off of new china that I will buy for you.  Not from the dollar store.  Not even on clearance!”

 

 

Stage Four: Depression

“Lord, why have I done this to myself?  Why have I been forsaken with this Plague of Poo?”

“When will my poopy penance be paid?”

“When will I be released from this poopy purgatory?”

 

 

Stage Five: Acceptance

“Sigh.  All right.  It’s no big deal, right?  It’s just another dirty diaper.  Just one amongst the one hundred and fifty million others.”

“Don’t worry honey, I’ll get this one, you just relax.”

“Oh okay, thanks!  Wait . . . what do you mean by that?”

“Nothing my love, only that you should continue watching football while I change this dirty diaper.  It’s no problem – really!  Can I grab you another beer while I’m up?”

“I’m going to pay for this, aren’t I?”

“Only when you least expect it.”