It’s time for another Before I Had Kids flowchart!
It seems there’s always another activity, always another event – how is a modern, time-pressured parent to determine whether it’s necessary to attend? Consult this handy flowchart and wonder no more!
Click image to enlarge.
Did you enjoy this? You might also like:
Parenting Flowchart: “Am I too Sick to Parent?”
Parenting Pie Charts: Spending Habits Before and After Having Kids
Comic courtesy of the remarkable xkcd.com
Let this serve as a guide to all you future fathers out there – there are some situations in which “lightening the mood” with “super-funny” “jokes” is probably not going to do anybody any favors. The final stage of labor is definitely one of those situations.
(Or so I’ve been told.)
(Repeatedly.)
Hey baby, you’re doing great! Is there any chance we could just move things along a bit? I told my brother I’d meet him for a beer later.
Good pushing honey! Wouldn’t it be crazy if it turned out to be twins?
Wow, that looks like it hurts. I mean, just . . . wow. Ouch. Seriously, that CANNOT feel good.
Could somebody get me a stool? I’m exhausted.
I know we’ve been over this, but *how* sure are you that it’s mine?
Hey I was just talking to my Mom and apparently ENORMOUS babies run in our family! Isn’t that great?
I probably should have discussed this with you first, but I sort of told this girl at work you’d be a surrogate for her after you’re done with this one. That’s cool right?
-
Baby wipes are one of the great modern inventions.
As any parent who uses them will attest, the epic abilities of the legendary baby wipe go far beyond simply taking down unimaginable quantities of poo, however . . .
1. Crime scene cleanup
2. Shower alternative for new parents*
3. Surrender flag for army men battles
4. Air conditioning alternative**
5. Emergency pants!
6. Placebo nicotine patch
7. Effectively use to clean most brands of vomit off of most brands of smartphone screen
8. Makeshift gas mask in the event of a biological warfare attack***
9. Bedding for the Barbie Dream House couch, where Ken is sleeping (again)
-
*(What? You thought you were still going to get to shower every day after having a baby?? LOLOLOL!!).
**Scorching summer day? No air conditioning? Tuck a couple of baby wipes in your shoes for a cool, refreshing afternoon of laying out by the pool doing endless loads of hot, humid laundry and washing mountains of steaming dishes.
*** do not do this****
**** on second thought, if you needed this disclaimer, maybe you should go ahead and do it after all.
_
Why do people say this when they find out you’re going to have a baby?
First, I’m pretty sure most expectant parents are aware that sometimes babies wake up at night.
Second, how, exactly, do you suddenly extra enjoy something you’ve been doing your whole life? Bigger bed? White noise machine? A blanket made of soft, purring, albino kittens?
Third, and most importantly, say you did somehow figure out how to find sleep especially enjoyable while expecting.
Say you do find a way to really relish your rest, savour your sleep, suck the marrow from your nightly unconsciousness.
Then the baby comes and your life is COMPLETELY RUINED because now you’re so in love with sleep that your mewling little puddle of crying poo could never compete.
Yay! Sure glad I trained myself to LOVE AND APPRECIATE sleep there for a few months before my life got ruined.
Want to come over later and kick my dog and light some of my art on fire??
-
Before I had kids, I had no trouble running on very little sleep.
When I was going to university I could stay up partying all night, roll in for a full day of classes, and still manage to maintain my concentration all day, no problem.
Now that I have 2 children though, I . . . wait, what?
Where am I?
Whose baby is this?
What’s darker, maroon or burgundy?
Why am I holding mustard?
Why did they change the ending of I Am Legend?
Oooooh, cake!!
“Daddy?”
“Yes Parker?”
“What are you doing Daddy?”
“I’m trying to sleep buddy.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m tired.”
“Why?”
“Because Daddy was up very late last night.”
“Why?”
“Because I was playing a stupid video game.”
“Why?”
“Because it was fun.”
“Why?”
“Good design.”
“Why?”
“Good designer.”
“Why?”
“Talent, training and experience, I suppose.”
“Why?”
“Oh I don’t know, he probably flunked out of Law or Engineering or something.”
“Why?”
“Because most girls and boys discover Engineering at around the same time as they discover vodka and getting an Engineering degree is very, very difficult.”
“Why?”
“Because math is not taught very effectively in our high schools.”
“Why?”
“Chronic underfunding I suppose.”
“Why?”
“Political short-sightedness and fiscal mismanagement, mostly.”
“Why?”
“Because most people get into politics for the wrong reasons and the ones that get into it for the right reasons tend to become disillusioned with the system and either are unable to ever effect substantive change or get out of the political sphere altogether and head to the private sector to make some money and hopefully contribute to reform extra-governmentally.”
“Daddy, wanna play with my trucks?”
“Yes, Parker. Yes I do.”
_
