“He’s the boss of his own head – let go of it.”
Things Parents Say #194
Reply
Vegetarian Play Doh
“Oh, that’s nice Parker. What are you making?”
“String beans.”
“Um . . . string beans. Wow, that’s very . . . interesting.”
“Yup, string beans. For goats.”
The Internet in a Nutshell
“Daddy?”
“Yes Madeline?”
“What’s a system?”
“Well, a system is a group of parts that work together to accomplish something. Like the nervous system in your body, which helps you think and feel things.”
“Are systems only in your body?”
“No, there are systems everywhere, like in computers for example.”
“Oh! I see. Computer systems.
They help you find Google, and funny pictures.”
The 4 Levels of Diaper Change
Level One: The Wet Diaper
Degree of Life Interruption:
Minimal.
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, possibly some dinner reservations.
Eventual Result:
Remember to add diapers to grocery list. Remind spouse to empty diaper pail.
Level Two: The Dirty Diaper
Degree of Life Interruption:
Medium.
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, some pants, romance.
Eventual Result:
A bath for the kids.
Level Three: The Pooplosion
Degree of Life Interruption:
High.
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, all plans for the following 2 hours, satisfaction with life choices.
Eventual Result:
A bath for the kids, a hot shower with lots of off-market horse soap for the parents, a stiff drink, the lingering possibility of never eating or feeling compassion again.
Level Four: The Poopocalypse
Degree of Life Interruption:
Life?? YOU CALL THIS A LIFE?
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, sheets, wallpaper, toys, and the desire to carry on this pitiable, masochistic existence.
Eventual Result:
Vasectomy.
Adoration’s Throat Punch
As a parent, I can think of nothing more rewarding.
Our children get along so well together. Our children . . . are friends.
Even at this young age, they care for one another, they love one another, they are very close.
Parker refers to his sister as “My Maddy.”
It’s just so heartening to see how they . . .
Oh crap! Gotta go.
One of them just punched the other one in the eye.
I’m sure she was . . .
So my son and I recently stayed with my parents for a couple of weeks (that’s its own story).
One day, grandma put on Cars for my son (his favourite), but it was an unfamiliar TV and she had trouble getting the volume to work.
No matter – he’s a happy little guy and was perfectly content watching it without any sound (he’s seen it 145,892 times so I’m sure following along with the plot was not a serious hurdle).
So the next morning, he asked papa if he could put Cars on for him.
“Papa, I can watch Cars?”
“Sure buddy.”
“You can make it with sound?”
“Yep, sound is on.”
“Oh, gramma gonna be SO proud of you.”
Even big boy blankies miss their mommies sometimes.
“Da’ey?”
“Yes Parker?”
“Mommy not here.”
“Nope, she’s in Seattle so that your sister can go to school.”
“You here.”
“Yep.”
“And I here.”
“Yes you sure are.”
“My banky a bit sad.”
“Your blanky is sad? Oh no, that’s too bad buddy. You tell your blanky we’re going to see mommy and your sister really soon, in just a few sleeps..”
“Be’er give it some cuddles. Make it feel be’er.”
“Good idea buddy. Good idea.”
