Category Archives: Toddlers

The 4 Levels of Diaper Change

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Earth Tone Number 1

Level One: The Wet Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Minimal.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, possibly some dinner reservations.

Eventual Result:

Remember to add diapers to grocery list. Remind spouse to empty diaper pail.

Earth Tone Number 2

Level Two: The Dirty Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Medium.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, some pants, romance.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids.

Earth Tone Number 3

Level Three: The Pooplosion

Degree of Life Interruption:

High.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, all plans for the following 2 hours, satisfaction with life choices.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids, a hot shower with lots of off-market horse soap for the parents, a stiff drink, the lingering possibility of never eating or feeling compassion again.

Earth Tone Number 4

Level Four: The Poopocalypse

Degree of Life Interruption:

Life?? YOU CALL THIS A LIFE?

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, sheets, wallpaper, toys, and the desire to carry on this pitiable, masochistic existence.

Eventual Result:

Vasectomy.

Toddler Interrogation #4,621 – My First Victory!

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“Daddy?”

“Yes Parker?”

“What are you doing Daddy?”

“I’m trying to sleep buddy.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m tired.”

“Why?”

“Because Daddy was up very late last night.”

“Why?”

“Because I was playing a stupid video game.”

“Why?”

“Because it was fun.”

“Why?”

“Good design.”

“Why?”

“Good designer.”

“Why?”

“Talent, training and experience, I suppose.”

“Why?”

“Oh I don’t know, he probably flunked out of Law or Engineering or something.”

“Why?”

“Because most girls and boys discover Engineering at around the same time as they discover vodka and getting an Engineering degree is very, very difficult.”

“Why?”

“Because math is not taught very effectively in our high schools.”

“Why?”

“Chronic underfunding I suppose.”

“Why?”

“Political short-sightedness and fiscal mismanagement, mostly.”

“Why?”

“Because most people get into politics for the wrong reasons and the ones that get into it for the right reasons tend to become disillusioned with the system and either are unable to ever effect substantive change or get out of the political sphere altogether and head to the private sector to make some money and hopefully contribute to reform extra-governmentally.”

“Daddy, wanna play with my trucks?”

“Yes, Parker. Yes I do.”


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A Staggering Work of Heartbreaking Genius

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Which book would you like to read before bedtime tonight, honey?

This book.

Um . . . are you sure?  I don’t know if that’s the best book to read.

Ya, dis book.

But honey, wouldn’t you rather read . . .

NO!  Dis book!  Peese?  Peese?  Peese Dadden?

Sigh.  Okay honey, we’ll read this book. 

I’m sure we’ll have a blast reading this blank Dora The Explorer notepad.

I can’t wait to find out how it ends.

Fun With Friction

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Here’s further proof that for a two year old, any item can be a toy and any activity can be made into a game.

Parker used to spend a remarkable amount of time trying to get two cordless phones to simultaneously adhere themselves through the wonders of friction to the back of our couch.

Toddler Playing Phone Game 1

When he was successful, there they would stay and he would sit, transfixed as they began their slow, sad descent down the back of the couch.

Little victories, my man. Little victories. May they ever give you as much joy as the first time you managed to get both of those phones stuck at the same time.

Toddler Playing Phone Game 2