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Category Archives: Parenting
Things Parents Say #61
“KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN OR I AM GOING TO SCREAM!!”
Like this:
Mother’s Day Menu
Note the very important inclusion of “wine” on the dinner menu and the fact that first on the mother’s day dinner list is “steakapalooza” because that is what my wife likes best.
Yep, I married good.
Like this:
Things Parents Say #194
“He’s the boss of his own head – let go of it.”
Like this:
The 4 Levels of Diaper Change
Level One: The Wet Diaper
Degree of Life Interruption:
Minimal.
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, possibly some dinner reservations.
Eventual Result:
Remember to add diapers to grocery list. Remind spouse to empty diaper pail.
Level Two: The Dirty Diaper
Degree of Life Interruption:
Medium.
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, some pants, romance.
Eventual Result:
A bath for the kids.
Level Three: The Pooplosion
Degree of Life Interruption:
High.
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, all plans for the following 2 hours, satisfaction with life choices.
Eventual Result:
A bath for the kids, a hot shower with lots of off-market horse soap for the parents, a stiff drink, the lingering possibility of never eating or feeling compassion again.
Level Four: The Poopocalypse
Degree of Life Interruption:
Life?? YOU CALL THIS A LIFE?
What Gets Ruined:
A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, sheets, wallpaper, toys, and the desire to carry on this pitiable, masochistic existence.
Eventual Result:
Vasectomy.
Even big boy blankies miss their mommies sometimes.
“Da’ey?”
“Yes Parker?”
“Mommy not here.”
“Nope, she’s in Seattle so that your sister can go to school.”
“You here.”
“Yep.”
“And I here.”
“Yes you sure are.”
“My banky a bit sad.”
“Your blanky is sad? Oh no, that’s too bad buddy. You tell your blanky we’re going to see mommy and your sister really soon, in just a few sleeps..”
“Be’er give it some cuddles. Make it feel be’er.”
“Good idea buddy. Good idea.”
Parenting Flowchart: “Do I have to go to this stupid thing at my daughter’s school?”
It’s time for another Before I Had Kids flowchart!
It seems there’s always another activity, always another event – how is a modern, time-pressured parent to determine whether it’s necessary to attend? Consult this handy flowchart and wonder no more!
Click image to enlarge.
Did you enjoy this? You might also like:
Parenting Flowchart: “Am I too Sick to Parent?”
Parenting Pie Charts: Spending Habits Before and After Having Kids
So sad, so true.
Comic courtesy of the remarkable xkcd.com
10 alternative uses for baby wipes
Baby wipes are one of the great modern inventions.
As any parent who uses them will attest, the epic abilities of the legendary baby wipe go far beyond simply taking down unimaginable quantities of poo, however . . .
Alternative Uses for Baby Wipes
1. Crime scene cleanup
2. Shower alternative for new parents*
3. Surrender flag for army men battles
4. Air conditioning alternative**
5. Emergency pants!
6. Placebo nicotine patch
7. Effectively use to clean most brands of vomit off of most brands of smartphone screen
8. Makeshift gas mask in the event of a biological warfare attack***
9. Bedding for the Barbie Dream House couch, where Ken is sleeping (again)
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*(What? You thought you were still going to get to shower every day after having a baby?? LOLOLOL!!).
**Scorching summer day? No air conditioning? Tuck a couple of baby wipes in your shoes for a cool, refreshing afternoon of laying out by the pool doing endless loads of hot, humid laundry and washing mountains of steaming dishes.
*** do not do this****
**** on second thought, if you needed this disclaimer, maybe you should go ahead and do it after all.
_
Expecting a baby? Better catch up on your sleep!!
Why do people say this when they find out you’re going to have a baby?
First, I’m pretty sure most expectant parents are aware that sometimes babies wake up at night.
Second, how, exactly, do you suddenly extra enjoy something you’ve been doing your whole life? Bigger bed? White noise machine? A blanket made of soft, purring, albino kittens?
Third, and most importantly, say you did somehow figure out how to find sleep especially enjoyable while expecting.
Say you do find a way to really relish your rest, savour your sleep, suck the marrow from your nightly unconsciousness.
Then the baby comes and your life is COMPLETELY RUINED because now you’re so in love with sleep that your mewling little puddle of crying poo could never compete.
Yay! Sure glad I trained myself to LOVE AND APPRECIATE sleep there for a few months before my life got ruined.
Want to come over later and kick my dog and light some of my art on fire??
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