Category Archives: Parenting

The 4 Levels of Diaper Change

Posted on
Reply

Earth Tone Number 1

Level One: The Wet Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Minimal.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, possibly some dinner reservations.

Eventual Result:

Remember to add diapers to grocery list. Remind spouse to empty diaper pail.

Earth Tone Number 2

Level Two: The Dirty Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Medium.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, some pants, romance.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids.

Earth Tone Number 3

Level Three: The Pooplosion

Degree of Life Interruption:

High.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, all plans for the following 2 hours, satisfaction with life choices.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids, a hot shower with lots of off-market horse soap for the parents, a stiff drink, the lingering possibility of never eating or feeling compassion again.

Earth Tone Number 4

Level Four: The Poopocalypse

Degree of Life Interruption:

Life?? YOU CALL THIS A LIFE?

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, sheets, wallpaper, toys, and the desire to carry on this pitiable, masochistic existence.

Eventual Result:

Vasectomy.

Even big boy blankies miss their mommies sometimes.

Posted on
1

“Da’ey?”

“Yes Parker?”

“Mommy not here.”

“Nope, she’s in Seattle so that your sister can go to school.”

“You here.”

“Yep.”

“And I here.”

“Yes you sure are.”

“My banky a bit sad.”

“Your blanky is sad? Oh no, that’s too bad buddy. You tell your blanky we’re going to see mommy and your sister really soon, in just a few sleeps..”

“Be’er give it some cuddles. Make it feel be’er.”

“Good idea buddy. Good idea.”

Parenting Flowchart: “Do I have to go to this stupid thing at my daughter’s school?”

Posted on
1

It’s time for another Before I Had Kids flowchart!

It seems there’s always another activity, always another event – how is a modern, time-pressured parent to determine whether it’s necessary to attend? Consult this handy flowchart and wonder no more!

Click image to enlarge.

Do I Have to Attend this Stupid thing at my Daughter's School?

Did you enjoy this? You might also like:

Parenting Flowchart: “Am I too Sick to Parent?”

Parenting Pie Charts: Spending Habits Before and After Having Kids

10 alternative uses for baby wipes

Posted on
4

Baby wipes are one of the great modern inventions.

Jumbo Box of Baby Wipes

As any parent who uses them will attest, the epic abilities of the legendary baby wipe go far beyond simply taking down unimaginable quantities of poo, however . . .

Alternative Uses for Baby Wipes

1. Crime scene cleanup

2. Shower alternative for new parents*

3. Surrender flag for army men battles

4. Air conditioning alternative**

5. Emergency pants!

6. Placebo nicotine patch

7. Effectively use to clean most brands of vomit off of most brands of smartphone screen

8. Makeshift gas mask in the event of a biological warfare attack***

9. Bedding for the Barbie Dream House couch, where Ken is sleeping (again)

-

*(What? You thought you were still going to get to shower every day after having a baby?? LOLOLOL!!).

**Scorching summer day? No air conditioning? Tuck a couple of baby wipes in your shoes for a cool, refreshing afternoon of laying out by the pool doing endless loads of hot, humid laundry and washing mountains of steaming dishes.

*** do not do this****

**** on second thought, if you needed this disclaimer, maybe you should go ahead and do it after all.

_

Expecting a baby? Better catch up on your sleep!!

Posted on
Reply

Why do people say this when they find out you’re going to have a baby?

Expecting? Get some sleep!

First, I’m pretty sure most expectant parents are aware that sometimes babies wake up at night.

Second, how, exactly, do you suddenly extra enjoy something you’ve been doing your whole life? Bigger bed? White noise machine? A blanket made of soft, purring, albino kittens?

Third, and most importantly, say you did somehow figure out how to find sleep especially enjoyable while expecting.

Say you do find a way to really relish your rest, savour your sleep, suck the marrow from your nightly unconsciousness.

I love sleep!

Then the baby comes and your life is COMPLETELY RUINED because now you’re so in love with sleep that your mewling little puddle of crying poo could never compete.

I hate sleep!

Yay! Sure glad I trained myself to LOVE AND APPRECIATE sleep there for a few months before my life got ruined.

Want to come over later and kick my dog and light some of my art on fire??

-

It’s sort of like being in . . . what’s that movie called again?

Posted on
3

Before I had kids, I had no trouble running on very little sleep.

When I was going to university I could stay up partying all night, roll in for a full day of classes, and still manage to maintain my concentration all day, no problem.

Now that I have 2 children though, I . . . wait, what?

Where am I?

Whose baby is this?

What’s darker, maroon or burgundy?

Why am I holding mustard?

Why did they change the ending of I Am Legend?

Oooooh, cake!!

Empty Cake Plate

What You Send for Show And Tell, Beginning of School Year to End

Posted on
1

Ah, Show and Tell. It’s a time-honoured tradition that teaches children how important it is to have better stuff than other people you know.

And of course the school year starts off with the best of intentions, but as the months wear on . . .

Show & Tell

1. September

A portrait of every one of your daughter’s classmates that you helped her paint on a large canvas, which you then had framed and donated to the class as a gift.

2. October

A hand-knit scarf your great ancestor Mildred Middlebottom made for a soldier who served served in the Franco-Prussian war and single-handedly halted a German invasion while wearing it.

A Mildred Middlebottom Original

3. November

A collection of seashells you gathered together last summer.

4. December

Half-finished colouring book.

5. January

The same dirty pair of mittens she’s worn to school every day since October because you forgot to send anything for show-and-tell.

Blue Mittens for Show & Tell

6. February

A nine volt battery that used to be in a really cool toy that got broken and thrown in the garbage.

7. March

The mittens again.

8. April

A page torn out of the 2003 International Plant Nutrition Institute calendar.

9. May

Mittens.

8. June

A tic-tac that sort of looks like a white smartie.

Tic Tac White Smartie

It worked, FYI

Posted on
1

3 Years Ago:

Mrs. Felty:  When the baby’s born, I think it’s important to feed him only the best, most nutritous foods.

Felty: Oh definitely.  I want to focus on locally produced fruits and vegetables, whole grains, soy-based protein sources and a small amount of lean free-range meat and fish.

Mrs. Felty:  Absolutely.  All organic produce of course.

Felty:  Oh, of course.  I want to avoid refined sugars, preservatives, and processed foods altogether.

Mrs. Felty:  Perfect, we’re on the same page.

Today:

Mrs. Felty:  Felty, we’re running out of time!  The house is a mess, we’re a mess, the dog is barking, the baby is crying, we’re never going to get this cake delivered in time for the wedding with Parker crying and screaming.

Felty: I know, I know.  Quick, grab him something to eat.

Mrs. Felty:  Yeah, good thinking.  Let me see . . .

Felty:  Here, give him this big bowl of icing.

Mrs. Felty:  Perfect!  See if you can jam some french fries in there. You know, for roughage.Cupcake with French Fry

The Before I Had Kids Angst Scale

Posted on
Reply

You think a mopey teenager or a devastated Bella can compete with a toddler who has to live with the sheer agony of a five year old sharing a toy with her brother for five minutes? Seriously?

Then you don’t know five year olds.

Thusly I present a guide – the Before I Had Kids Angst Scale:

Angst Scale