Category Archives: Babies

The 4 Levels of Diaper Change

Posted on by
Reply

Earth Tone Number 1

Level One: The Wet Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Minimal.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, possibly some dinner reservations.

Eventual Result:

Remember to add diapers to grocery list. Remind spouse to empty diaper pail.

Earth Tone Number 2

Level Two: The Dirty Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Medium.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, some pants, romance.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids.

Earth Tone Number 3

Level Three: The Pooplosion

Degree of Life Interruption:

High.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, all plans for the following 2 hours, satisfaction with life choices.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids, a hot shower with lots of off-market horse soap for the parents, a stiff drink, the lingering possibility of never eating or feeling compassion again.

Earth Tone Number 4

Level Four: The Poopocalypse

Degree of Life Interruption:

Life?? YOU CALL THIS A LIFE?

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, sheets, wallpaper, toys, and the desire to carry on this pitiable, masochistic existence.

Eventual Result:

Vasectomy.

7 jokes that are *apparently* not funny during labor

Posted on by
2

Let this serve as a guide to all you future fathers out there – there are some situations in which “lightening the mood” with “super-funny” “jokes” is probably not going to do anybody any favors. The final stage of labor is definitely one of those situations.

(Or so I’ve been told.)

(Repeatedly.)

Earth Tone Number 1

Hey baby, you’re doing great! Is there any chance we could just move things along a bit? I told my brother I’d meet him for a beer later.

Earth Tone Number 2Good pushing honey! Wouldn’t it be crazy if it turned out to be twins?

Earth Tone Number 3Wow, that looks like it hurts. I mean, just . . . wow. Ouch. Seriously, that CANNOT feel good.

Earth Tone Number 4Could somebody get me a stool? I’m exhausted.

Earth Tone Number 5I know we’ve been over this, but *how* sure are you that it’s mine?

Earth Tone Number 6Hey I was just talking to my Mom and apparently ENORMOUS babies run in our family! Isn’t that great?

Earth Tone Number 7I probably should have discussed this with you first, but I sort of told this girl at work you’d be a surrogate for her after you’re done with this one. That’s cool right?

-

Expecting a baby? Better catch up on your sleep!!

Posted on by
Reply

Why do people say this when they find out you’re going to have a baby?

Expecting? Get some sleep!

First, I’m pretty sure most expectant parents are aware that sometimes babies wake up at night.

Second, how, exactly, do you suddenly extra enjoy something you’ve been doing your whole life? Bigger bed? White noise machine? A blanket made of soft, purring, albino kittens?

Third, and most importantly, say you did somehow figure out how to find sleep especially enjoyable while expecting.

Say you do find a way to really relish your rest, savour your sleep, suck the marrow from your nightly unconsciousness.

I love sleep!

Then the baby comes and your life is COMPLETELY RUINED because now you’re so in love with sleep that your mewling little puddle of crying poo could never compete.

I hate sleep!

Yay! Sure glad I trained myself to LOVE AND APPRECIATE sleep there for a few months before my life got ruined.

Want to come over later and kick my dog and light some of my art on fire??

-

How to dress your newborn baby to keep her warm

Posted on by
Reply

If She’s Your First Baby

organic cotton sleeper, cloth diapers, organic cotton blanket, fleece blanket, socks, booties, hat, mittens

Dressing Newborn Babies

If She’s Your Second Baby

hand-me-down sleepers, fleece blanket, mittens

If She’s Your Third Baby

dusty car blanket, disposable diaper

If She’s Your Fourth Baby

New York Times Business Review, band-aids, felt stickers, strawberry jam

Poop in the tub

Posted on by
Reply

That’s right, poop in the tub. It happens. More often than you might have hoped, by the way.

See, this is one of those things that just doesn’t appear in the “So, You’ve Decided to Stop Taking Your Birth Control Pills” brochure.

If you don’t have kids, right now you’re thinking:

“Oh.  My.  God.  That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.  I would have to call someone to come into my house and deal with that or get a hazmat suit. No, I would have to have the tub replaced. No, actually, I’m pretty sure I’d just have to move – find a new place to live – because there’s no effing way I’d ever be having a bath in that tub again.”

But then there are those of you who have kids, who are more likely thinking:

“Meh.  At least it wasn’t on the couch.”


Bulletproof Baby Toy Business Idea, Part One

Posted on by
2

Before I had kids, I had a dog named Huxley.

My Dog, Huxley

Having a puppy is actually quite a bit like having a baby. Suddenly you find yourself catering to another creature’s whims 24/7, you’re getting up in the middle of the night to take care of the thing, and you’re now cleaning up after bodily functions LIKE ALL THE EFFING TIME.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not exactly the same thing – our daughter really never took to rawhide chews or clicker training like our dog did – but there are some similarities.

One of the key similarities is that these little creatures demand your attention CONSTANTLY.

So naturally we find ways to try to keep our puppies and kids entertained for a little while occasionally so that Mommy and Daddy can have a civilized conversation maybe in the bathroom with the door locked with this bottle of wine . . .

So to facilitate this tiny bit of grownup time with our puppy, we discovered this beautiful invention called the Kong.

Doggy Kong

A Kong is an indestructible hollow rubber thing that you fill with treats for your puppy to dig out.

And I mean, if you’re an experienced Kong user, you JAM that thing. You pack that thing so tightly it’s like you’re just daring that little puppy to try get those treats out of there. You pack those treats in there like a Wal-Mart chocolate aisle the day before Valentine’s.

The point is that the dog will carry off this Kong full of awesome goodness like he just won the doggy lottery and spend the next 25 minutes frantically licking and biting and clawing trying to extract every tiny little morsel out of that little rubber fountain of life.

It’s pretty disgusting to watch, actually.

But that’s the whole point – you don’t watch it! You throw that little heaven-sent rubber knob as far as you can into the yard, shut the door behind the lumbering oaf chasing after it (and the dog, too), and savour the half hour or so of grownup time it provides you. 

It works really well. But the thing is, babies demand even more of your attention than dogs do, and that phase lasts longer with them, too.

So really, as a society what are we waiting for?

Two words:

Baby Kong!!

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be right back – I have some patent applications to file . . .

Two Rules for Naming Your Baby

Posted on by
1
Okay everybody, it’s a Before I Had Kids Public Service Announcement.

This is a serious subject today, which is why it gets its own banner . . .

2 Rules Banner

Baby Naming Rule #1: No Themes

Yes, naming children is a damned hard thing to do.  Yes, it probably gets harder as you have your fourth . . . sixth . . . or Duggerth child, but please resist the temptation to pick a theme for your children’s names.

You know, like trees or handguns or U.S. states or “George,” which George Foreman named all 5 of his sons. SIDE NOTE: Concussions are a serious business kids, play safe!

One of the problems with theme names for your kids is this – what if you wind up having a whole bunch of kids and the theme starts to get stretched?

I mean, sure, you go with the US States baby names theme and you’re good for a while – Georgia, Montana, maybe even Arizona or Alabama or Kansas.  But what happens when you’ve used up all of the good ones and you’re still having more babies?


“Hey!  Rhode Island! Quit picking on Delaware and help me get West Virginia and Idaho strapped into the car!”


Baby Naming Rule #2 – No Gimmicks

At the risk of offending many of you (yes, yes, we know – it’s “heaven” spelled backwards, beautiful), I also believe that baby names shouldn’t have a trick or a hidden meaning or any sort of hidden compartments or whisk attachments or kung fu grips.


“It’s an anagram for “blessed light of wonderment!”


“It’s a mashup of my father’s name and my husband’s father’s name and their places of birth and the initials of our first pet!”


“It’s Ukrainian for “conceived in the back of a Kia!””


Your baby’s name doesn’t have to include a puzzle or a sweepstakes or the missing chapter of The DaVinci Code.  It has one purpose and one purpose only – not to rhyme with insulting swear words, thereby protecting your child from years of playground insults and beatings.

I would know.

Sincerely,

Sissy Fannybottom


The pottery scene was the best part of that movie.

Posted on by
Reply

When Patrick Swayze delivered the iconic line “Nobody puts Baby in a corner,” it’s obvious he wasn’t talking about a real baby because they poop a lot and cry a lot and spill lots of stuff and sometimes a corner is the safest place for them to be.

We is smart parenting people who know stuff and things.

Posted on by
Reply

Being a parent is an often humbling experience.  You’re busier, you’re sleeping less, you’re more stressed, and as a result . . .

You do a lot of stupid, stupid things.

A few months ago, my wife and I put our 18 month old son to bed.  Parker is an excellent sleeper.  He goes to bed happily and falls asleep easily and generally sleeps soundly for about 11 consecutive hours.

I know, I know – you despise me right now.  And I can understand that.  I don’t blame you.  But it wasn’t always that way – he used to be a terrible sleeper.

So anyway, with Parker being such a good sleeper, it surprised us a bit when, one night this fall, he stayed up for a LONG time after we had put him to bed.

“Should I go in there and check on him?”

“I’m not sure.  This is really weird – I put him down almost an hour ago!”

“I know!  So strange.”

“But he’s really happy – maybe he just wasn’t as tired tonight.”

“Yeah you’re right – don’t go in, he’s happy.  Leave well enough alone, right?”

So we agreed.  And then left Parker to his own devices.  But it continued.  And continued.  And we kept hearing his happy little voice, loud and clear through the monitor.

“Gah!  Bah!  Mama!  Mamamamamamamama!  Goop!  Doop!  Goop!  Mamamamamamama!”

Eventually of course, we decided that it would be wise for me to go up and check on him, his apparent happiness notwithstanding.

Now, given my proclivity for detective work and the number of Law & Order episodes I’ve watched, it didn’t take long for me to figure out what the problem was.

We had LEFT HIS BEDROOM LIGHT ON.  Just plain left it on.  It was bright as day in there.

Now, I’m not 100% up to date on what doctors recommend as ideal sleeping conditions for infants, but I’m willing to bet that it’s not a non-stop onslaught of 300 watts of incandescent light.

I’ll keep you posted.