Author Archives: Carey

The 4 Levels of Diaper Change

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Earth Tone Number 1

Level One: The Wet Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Minimal.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, possibly some dinner reservations.

Eventual Result:

Remember to add diapers to grocery list. Remind spouse to empty diaper pail.

Earth Tone Number 2

Level Two: The Dirty Diaper

Degree of Life Interruption:

Medium.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, some pants, romance.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids.

Earth Tone Number 3

Level Three: The Pooplosion

Degree of Life Interruption:

High.

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, all plans for the following 2 hours, satisfaction with life choices.

Eventual Result:

A bath for the kids, a hot shower with lots of off-market horse soap for the parents, a stiff drink, the lingering possibility of never eating or feeling compassion again.

Earth Tone Number 4

Level Four: The Poopocalypse

Degree of Life Interruption:

Life?? YOU CALL THIS A LIFE?

What Gets Ruined:

A diaper, pants, shirt, socks, sheets, wallpaper, toys, and the desire to carry on this pitiable, masochistic existence.

Eventual Result:

Vasectomy.

Adoration’s Throat Punch

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As a parent, I can think of nothing more rewarding.

Our children get along so well together. Our children . . . are friends.

Even at this young age, they care for one another, they love one another, they are very close.

Parker refers to his sister as “My Maddy.”

It’s just so heartening to see how they . . .

Oh crap! Gotta go.

One of them just punched the other one in the eye.

 

I’m sure she was . . .

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So my son and I recently stayed with my parents for a couple of weeks (that’s its own story).

One day, grandma put on Cars for my son (his favourite), but it was an unfamiliar TV and she had trouble getting the volume to work.

No matter – he’s a happy little guy and was perfectly content watching it without any sound (he’s seen it 145,892 times so I’m sure following along with the plot was not a serious hurdle).

So the next morning, he asked papa if he could put Cars on for him.

“Papa, I can watch Cars?”

“Sure buddy.”

“You can make it with sound?”

“Yep, sound is on.”

“Oh, gramma gonna be SO proud of you.”

Even big boy blankies miss their mommies sometimes.

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“Da’ey?”

“Yes Parker?”

“Mommy not here.”

“Nope, she’s in Seattle so that your sister can go to school.”

“You here.”

“Yep.”

“And I here.”

“Yes you sure are.”

“My banky a bit sad.”

“Your blanky is sad? Oh no, that’s too bad buddy. You tell your blanky we’re going to see mommy and your sister really soon, in just a few sleeps..”

“Be’er give it some cuddles. Make it feel be’er.”

“Good idea buddy. Good idea.”

Parenting Flowchart: “Do I have to go to this stupid thing at my daughter’s school?”

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It’s time for another Before I Had Kids flowchart!

It seems there’s always another activity, always another event – how is a modern, time-pressured parent to determine whether it’s necessary to attend? Consult this handy flowchart and wonder no more!

Click image to enlarge.

Do I Have to Attend this Stupid thing at my Daughter's School?

Did you enjoy this? You might also like:

Parenting Flowchart: “Am I too Sick to Parent?”

Parenting Pie Charts: Spending Habits Before and After Having Kids

7 jokes that are *apparently* not funny during labor

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Let this serve as a guide to all you future fathers out there – there are some situations in which “lightening the mood” with “super-funny” “jokes” is probably not going to do anybody any favors. The final stage of labor is definitely one of those situations.

(Or so I’ve been told.)

(Repeatedly.)

Earth Tone Number 1

Hey baby, you’re doing great! Is there any chance we could just move things along a bit? I told my brother I’d meet him for a beer later.

Earth Tone Number 2Good pushing honey! Wouldn’t it be crazy if it turned out to be twins?

Earth Tone Number 3Wow, that looks like it hurts. I mean, just . . . wow. Ouch. Seriously, that CANNOT feel good.

Earth Tone Number 4Could somebody get me a stool? I’m exhausted.

Earth Tone Number 5I know we’ve been over this, but *how* sure are you that it’s mine?

Earth Tone Number 6Hey I was just talking to my Mom and apparently ENORMOUS babies run in our family! Isn’t that great?

Earth Tone Number 7I probably should have discussed this with you first, but I sort of told this girl at work you’d be a surrogate for her after you’re done with this one. That’s cool right?

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10 alternative uses for baby wipes

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Baby wipes are one of the great modern inventions.

Jumbo Box of Baby Wipes

As any parent who uses them will attest, the epic abilities of the legendary baby wipe go far beyond simply taking down unimaginable quantities of poo, however . . .

Alternative Uses for Baby Wipes

1. Crime scene cleanup

2. Shower alternative for new parents*

3. Surrender flag for army men battles

4. Air conditioning alternative**

5. Emergency pants!

6. Placebo nicotine patch

7. Effectively use to clean most brands of vomit off of most brands of smartphone screen

8. Makeshift gas mask in the event of a biological warfare attack***

9. Bedding for the Barbie Dream House couch, where Ken is sleeping (again)

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*(What? You thought you were still going to get to shower every day after having a baby?? LOLOLOL!!).

**Scorching summer day? No air conditioning? Tuck a couple of baby wipes in your shoes for a cool, refreshing afternoon of laying out by the pool doing endless loads of hot, humid laundry and washing mountains of steaming dishes.

*** do not do this****

**** on second thought, if you needed this disclaimer, maybe you should go ahead and do it after all.

_

Expecting a baby? Better catch up on your sleep!!

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Why do people say this when they find out you’re going to have a baby?

Expecting? Get some sleep!

First, I’m pretty sure most expectant parents are aware that sometimes babies wake up at night.

Second, how, exactly, do you suddenly extra enjoy something you’ve been doing your whole life? Bigger bed? White noise machine? A blanket made of soft, purring, albino kittens?

Third, and most importantly, say you did somehow figure out how to find sleep especially enjoyable while expecting.

Say you do find a way to really relish your rest, savour your sleep, suck the marrow from your nightly unconsciousness.

I love sleep!

Then the baby comes and your life is COMPLETELY RUINED because now you’re so in love with sleep that your mewling little puddle of crying poo could never compete.

I hate sleep!

Yay! Sure glad I trained myself to LOVE AND APPRECIATE sleep there for a few months before my life got ruined.

Want to come over later and kick my dog and light some of my art on fire??

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It’s sort of like being in . . . what’s that movie called again?

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Before I had kids, I had no trouble running on very little sleep.

When I was going to university I could stay up partying all night, roll in for a full day of classes, and still manage to maintain my concentration all day, no problem.

Now that I have 2 children though, I . . . wait, what?

Where am I?

Whose baby is this?

What’s darker, maroon or burgundy?

Why am I holding mustard?

Why did they change the ending of I Am Legend?

Oooooh, cake!!

Empty Cake Plate