Monthly Archives: April 2011

Fun With Friction

Posted on by Before I Had Kids
1

Here’s further proof that for a two year old, any item can be a toy and any activity can be made into a game.

Parker used to spend a remarkable amount of time trying to get two cordless phones to simultaneously adhere themselves through the wonders of friction to the back of our couch.

Toddler Playing Phone Game 1

When he was successful, there they would stay and he would sit, transfixed as they began their slow, sad descent down the back of the couch.

Little victories, my man. Little victories. May they ever give you as much joy as the first time you managed to get both of those phones stuck at the same time.

Toddler Playing Phone Game 2

Don’t get me wrong, the first day RULED

Posted on by Before I Had Kids
1

My name is Carey and it has been three days since I’ve seen my children. 

Don’t worry – they’re fine.

It’s Easter break at school and they’re both home all week and so my wife thought it might be a good idea (read: a good way to prevent nervous breakdowns, epic battles and regrettable corporal punishment) to break up the week by spending part of it at the cabin. 

I thought it was a great idea. The kids love the lake and we’re in the middle of some home renos so I figured it would give me a chance to work my tail off in the evenings to make our home a bit more . . . well, not a broken disaster. 

And it has been great. The kids are having the time of their life playing around at the lake and I’ve accomplished a crapload of house stuff in their absence (it’s a scientific fact that productivity declines by 99% with each child under 6 who is present).

 The quiet, the alone time, the productivity, the peace and the self-indulgence have been fantastic.

And really by ‘fantastic’ I mean ‘excruciating.’ I miss them so much I just might have a nervous breakdown.

Being rudely awakened at an ungodly hour by a little girl climbing into our bed carrying two blankets, three stuffed animals, two barbies and an outfit change?

Best way in the world to wake up.

Having a little boy climb all over you and poke you in the eye so you’ll pay attention to him while you’re trying to have an adult conversation?

In retrospect, it’s the best damned way to have a conversation.

My name is Carey and I miss my children :-(

The Incredible Hulk Answers Parenting Questions, Volume Two

Posted on by Before I Had Kids
Reply

Also See: The Incredible Hulk Answers Parenting Questions Volume One

Incredible Hulk 1980s TV Show

Q: Hulk, I accidentally gave my son a non-organic apple. Should I induce vomiting before taking him to the medical clinic or should I just wait for them to pump his stomach?

A: HULK BLINDED WITH RAGE MOST OF TIME CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT BUT MANY MODERN PARENTS MUCH STUPIDER THAN HULK.

Q: Hulk, do you have any tips for getting grape juice stains out of toddlers’ shirts?

A: WHY HULK WOULD STAIN REMOVE? HULK RIP ALL HIS SHIRTS TO SHREDS. COSTS HULK A FORTUNE. THINKING HULK WILL START BUYING BULK SHIRTS FROM TARGET.

Q: Hulk, I’m concerned about my daughter’s math grades – is there anything I can do at home to help boost her numerical proficiency?

A: ONLY MATH KID NEED IS CRIME DOESN’T PAY. MATH APTITUDE NOT ESSENTIAL FOR FIGHTING CRIME OR FEATS OF STRENGTH.

Q: Hulk, my seven-year-old son is healthy and happy, but his skin has a very strange color to it – sometimes it even seems like it’s green. Any suggestions?

A: GREEN SKIN? SEVEN YEAR OLD? WERE YOU AT NEW YEARS EVE PARTY WAYNE MANOR 2004? HULK DO SOME REGRETTABLE THINGS THAT NIGHT. HULK LEARN HE NOT AS INCREDIBLE AFTER TEQUILA SHOTS.

Bulletproof Baby Toy Business Idea, Part One

Posted on by Before I Had Kids
2

Before I had kids, I had a dog named Huxley.

My Dog, Huxley

Having a puppy is actually quite a bit like having a baby. Suddenly you find yourself catering to another creature’s whims 24/7, you’re getting up in the middle of the night to take care of the thing, and you’re now cleaning up after bodily functions LIKE ALL THE EFFING TIME.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not exactly the same thing – our daughter really never took to rawhide chews or clicker training like our dog did – but there are some similarities.

One of the key similarities is that these little creatures demand your attention CONSTANTLY.

So naturally we find ways to try to keep our puppies and kids entertained for a little while occasionally so that Mommy and Daddy can have a civilized conversation maybe in the bathroom with the door locked with this bottle of wine . . .

So to facilitate this tiny bit of grownup time with our puppy, we discovered this beautiful invention called the Kong.

Doggy Kong

A Kong is an indestructible hollow rubber thing that you fill with treats for your puppy to dig out.

And I mean, if you’re an experienced Kong user, you JAM that thing. You pack that thing so tightly it’s like you’re just daring that little puppy to try get those treats out of there. You pack those treats in there like a Wal-Mart chocolate aisle the day before Valentine’s.

The point is that the dog will carry off this Kong full of awesome goodness like he just won the doggy lottery and spend the next 25 minutes frantically licking and biting and clawing trying to extract every tiny little morsel out of that little rubber fountain of life.

It’s pretty disgusting to watch, actually.

But that’s the whole point – you don’t watch it! You throw that little heaven-sent rubber knob as far as you can into the yard, shut the door behind the lumbering oaf chasing after it (and the dog, too), and savour the half hour or so of grownup time it provides you. 

It works really well. But the thing is, babies demand even more of your attention than dogs do, and that phase lasts longer with them, too.

So really, as a society what are we waiting for?

Two words:

Baby Kong!!

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be right back – I have some patent applications to file . . .

Don’t MAKE me come up there and visit, young lady.

Posted on by Before I Had Kids
Reply

ROUND ONE

Maddy, go to bed.

NO! I don’t want to!


ROUND TWO

Maddy, if you don’t go to bed immediately, I’m taking away all of your toys.

FINE! I hate those toys anyway!


ROUND THREE

Maddy, go to bed now or you’ll have to stay inside all day tomorrow.

Yay!! Inside reading day!!!


ROUND FOUR

Maddy, go to bed right this second or Mommy and Daddy are going to keep asking you detailed questions about how your day at school went.

Goodnight Mommy! Goodnight Daddy!


9 Parenting Tips That Could Save Your Children

Posted on by Before I Had Kids
1

 

  1. Stop worrying about the lack of fresh vegetables you served at lunch.
  2. Stop stressing because you put on a TV show to keep them quiet.
  3. Stop agonizing over that bump he got on his forehead because you weren’t paying enough attention.
  4. Stop worrying about things you can’t control.
  5. Stop beating yourself up over not taking them to the playground yesterday even thought they asked very nicely.
  6. Stop having anxiety over skipping gymnastics class because you were just too worn out to face it.
  7. Stop reading all those ridiculous parenting magazines that set unattainable standards.
  8. Stop believing that those other “perfect” parents you hear and see all over the place are doing a better job than you.
  9. Go tell her that you love her, that you will always be her Daddy and will always protect her. Tell her you are proud of her, and give her a big hug.

Next Challenge: Living Room Climbing Wall

Posted on by Before I Had Kids
Reply

Before I had kids I had no really solid reason to build a huge ramp in my basement.

I mean, obviously I had reasons – such as “wow, it would be really cool to build a huge ramp in my basement,” and “wouldn’t it be sweet if we had a huge ramp in the basement” and “I bet Darryl’s wife would let him build a huge ramp in the basement” but nothing that really held enough water to sneak past my wife.

Radio Flyer Trike

Now, however . . . not only do I have really, really good reasons for building one – the kids have tricycles and we live in a Siberian climate – but it was also practically all my wife’s idea.

The only think I find confusing is when she talks about building this tricycle ramp in our basement “for the kids.”

For the kids?

They’d better stay out of my way – Daddy gonna get his trike on.