Before I had kids, I had a dog named Huxley.
Having a puppy is actually quite a bit like having a baby. Suddenly you find yourself catering to another creature’s whims 24/7, you’re getting up in the middle of the night to take care of the thing, and you’re now cleaning up after bodily functions LIKE ALL THE EFFING TIME.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not exactly the same thing – our daughter really never took to rawhide chews or clicker training like our dog did – but there are some similarities.
One of the key similarities is that these little creatures demand your attention CONSTANTLY.
So naturally we find ways to try to keep our puppies and kids entertained for a little while occasionally so that Mommy and Daddy can have a civilized conversation maybe in the bathroom with the door locked with this bottle of wine . . .
So to facilitate this tiny bit of grownup time with our puppy, we discovered this beautiful invention called the Kong.
A Kong is an indestructible hollow rubber thing that you fill with treats for your puppy to dig out.
And I mean, if you’re an experienced Kong user, you JAM that thing. You pack that thing so tightly it’s like you’re just daring that little puppy to try get those treats out of there. You pack those treats in there like a Wal-Mart chocolate aisle the day before Valentine’s.
The point is that the dog will carry off this Kong full of awesome goodness like he just won the doggy lottery and spend the next 25 minutes frantically licking and biting and clawing trying to extract every tiny little morsel out of that little rubber fountain of life.
It’s pretty disgusting to watch, actually.
But that’s the whole point – you don’t watch it! You throw that little heaven-sent rubber knob as far as you can into the yard, shut the door behind the lumbering oaf chasing after it (and the dog, too), and savour the half hour or so of grownup time it provides you.
It works really well. But the thing is, babies demand even more of your attention than dogs do, and that phase lasts longer with them, too.
So really, as a society what are we waiting for?
Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be right back – I have some patent applications to file . . .