Baby Naming Rule #1: No Themes

Yes, naming children is a damned hard thing to do.  Yes, it probably gets harder as you have your fourth . . . sixth . . . or Duggerth child, but please resist the temptation to pick a theme for your children’s names.

You know, like trees or handguns or U.S. states or “George,” which George Foreman named all 5 of his sons. SIDE NOTE: Concussions are a serious business kids, play safe!

One of the problems with theme names for your kids is this – what if you wind up having a whole bunch of kids and the theme starts to get stretched?

I mean, sure, you go with the US States baby names theme and you’re good for a while – Georgia, Montana, maybe even Arizona or Alabama or Kansas.  But what happens when you’ve used up all of the good ones and you’re still having more babies?

“Hey!  Rhode Island! Quit picking on Delaware and help me get West Virginia and Idaho strapped into the car!”

Baby Naming Rule #2 – No Gimmicks

At the risk of offending many of you (yes, yes, we know – it’s “heaven” spelled backwards, beautiful), I also believe that baby names shouldn’t have a trick or a hidden meaning or any sort of hidden compartments or whisk attachments or kung fu grips.

“It’s an anagram for “blessed light of wonderment!”

“It’s a mashup of my father’s name and my husband’s father’s name and their places of birth and the initials of our first pet!”

“It’s Ukrainian for “conceived in the back of a Kia!””

Your baby’s name doesn’t have to include a puzzle or a sweepstakes or the missing chapter of The DaVinci Code.  It has one purpose and one purpose only – not to rhyme with insulting swear words, thereby protecting your child from years of playground insults and beatings.

I would know.

Sincerely,

Sissy Fannybottom