This year, she learns how to chuck candy corn.

Posted on October 28, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids, I thought that Hallowe’en was pretty cool.

Now that I have a four year old, I realize that it is more like OMG THE GREATEST EFFING THING IN HISTORY.

I took my daughter trick-or-treating for the first time last year.

She approached the first house, I coached her one more time on what she was going to say when the door opened, she looked at me quizzically again, like “Dad, I think you might be wrong about this – I’m not so sure that knocking on this door is such a good idea . . .”

But I convinced her, told her to knock on the door with a confident “kid, trust me on this one.”

She tentatively rapped on the door, a nice lady answered, and with some prompting she timidly spit out her

“Twick or tweat??”

The lady put about six pieces of candy in her bucket (she was pretty darned cute after all), and here’s what happened:

HER LITTLE MIND PRETTY MUCH BLEW ITS CEREBRAL CORTEX RIGHT OUT HER EAR HOLE

She looks up at me after the door is closed as if to say “DAD – did you see that!?!? Did that really happen?? This is the coolest thing EVAR!”

After that, it was me getting dragged behind this 3 year old for an hour-long whirlwind tour of candy-mongering insanity.

Having to introduce kids to the hard parts of life really sucks. But as I do that for my daughter, I’ll do my best always to remember her first trick or treat . . .

Not pictured: Sharing Circle

Posted on October 27, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Ever talk to another parent and hear about all the cool, stimulating, education, spiritual shit they’re doing with their kids all the time, then spend the rest of the day racked with guilt about how you spend your typical Sunday with your own kids?

Sure, we all have.

You can take comfort in this fact though: those parents are filthy, filthy liars.

Here’s how most of us say we spend our time with our kids:

And here’s something much closer to how our children’s days are actually spent:

Only two of these things will actually help you

Posted on October 25, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Top 5 Bestselling Parenting Books:

1. Shit my Dad Says

Sh*t My Dad Says

2. The Glass Castle

Glass Castle, The

3. The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer

4. What to Expect When You’re Expecting: 4th Edition

What to Expect When You're Expecting: 4th Edition

5. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk

Top 5 Bestselling Parenting Aids:

1. Chardonnay

2. Barney & Friends on TIVO

3. Exersaucers (AKA Neglect-O-Saucers)

4. The camouflaging aroma of coffee

5. Sleepovers at Grandma’s House

Those following-behind-the-bus-in-our-car stories? All true.

Posted on October 19, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Before I was a parent, I don’t think I could really have imagined with any certainty the spine-twisting, knee-buckling devastation that is Watching Her Get Onto the School Bus For the First Time.

There is so very much that awaits her on the other side of those creaky old doors, just up those three impossibly tall steps.

So much joy is there. So much discovery. So many new worlds and people and experiences. But also so much pain, so many obstacles and so much hurting.

To see it for the very first time, to know that beyond those doors and up those steps are fights her Daddy won’t be able to fight for her, owies her Daddy won’t be able to fix, and tears he won’t be able to erase with a blankie and a cuddle and an enthusiastic story . . . it’s almost more than a parent’s soul can handle.

It’s the simultaneous terror and wonder of being a parent that at once breaks your heart and builds it back up again.

At least, that’s how it feels from here. Just try telling that to the little girl in the polka-dot backpack, grinning and bounding up those three impossibly tall steps right up into a whole, shiny, big new world . . .

Surprise! It’s a . . . ewwww, gross.

Posted on October 15, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids, I had a very different perception of surprises.

Surprises used to be fun. They used to reveal items of wonder and joy. They used to come on special occasions, and used to be surrounded by happy people having fun.

And now?

Now that I have kids?

Now, surprises are the last thing one hopes for.

A few precursors to undesirable surprises:

“I don’t feel so good.”

“What does this button do?”

“I think I’m having an accident.”

And the prototypical signal of bad surprises to come . . .

“Oops.”

There are few words in the sphere of human language that can invoke absolute panic in a parent to a greater extent than the furious terror of the word “oops.”

The fourth would pretty much just be flying solo

Posted on October 12, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids, I thought that a little cold or flu with a bit of a fever was really no big deal.

When our first baby had a bad flu and a high fever for the first time, however, our reaction was something along the lines of . . . .

OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD Call the nurse!! Call the doctor!! Call the vet! For shit’s sake, call SOMEBODY! Boil some water and bring some clean towels and the sharpest knife! Bring the car around so we can rush to the emergency room! No, don’t strap her in, THERE’S NO TIME!

Our second baby is currently sick with a fever and the current mood in the house is more along the lines of . . .

Sleep it off, kid. Thanks for getting me out of work.

After 4 or 5 years of parenthood, after all, it’s not as though you care less – it’s just more like your sharp-edged parenting instincts have now had several thousand sleep-deprived nights, sufficient to dull those instincts to something resembling C-SPAN at midnight on a Tuesday.

Which leads me to wonder what we’d be like if we had a third child . . .

ME: Honey, put down that knife.

HYPOTHETICAL THIRD CHILD: Gah!

ME: Please?

HYPOTHETICAL THIRD CHILD: Ma gah!

ME: Oh, whatever. Be careful okay? Daddy’s watching his stories.

Why I named my kids “Porsche” and “Audi”

Posted on October 7, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids, I had lots of money.

I didn’t know it at the time, but it turns out that way back when we were still childless, we were HELLA WEALTHY and don’t even get me started on the MOUNTAINS OF FREE TIME.

Remember back when you used to buy CDs and DVDs on a whim? When you ate out or ordered in every second meal, just because you felt like it? When you went to movies on a regular basis and EVEN BOUGHT THE POPCORN??

Here’s pretty much what my budget looked back when were were living the child-free high life :

And here’s approximately what it looks like now . . .

Not Pictured: Birth Control

It’s Britney, Bitch

Posted on October 4, 2010 by Before I Had Kids

Before I had kids I didn’t have a good excuse to have a Britney Spears song on my ‘Car Tunes’ mixed CD.

And I especially didn’t have an excuse to turn up the volume when that song came on.

I still don’t, really.

Wow.

I’m almost as lame in reality as my daughter will think I am when she’s 14 years old.

before i had kids

i used to be cool, i swear

Monthly Archives: October 2010