Fellow children of the 1980s, please join me in this flashback tour down After School Avenue, just past Parental Neglect Place to a the cheese-filled wonderland known as 1980s Television . . .

Honourable Mention: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air

Yes, yes, I know. You know all the words to the Fresh Prince theme song, Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice and Push It by Salt n’ Pepa and they are all AWESOME. Good for you. You are a child of the 80s. I included The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song here because it really was something new and interesting that hadn’t been done before . . . but I just could not in good conscience include it in the list proper on account of it being some of the worst rapping in the history of recorded music.

#9: Three’s Company

Three’s Company ran from 1977, the year both the Toronto Blue Jays and your humble narrator were born, until 1984, so I only really saw it in re-runs but I still had to include it here because the Three’s Company opening theme is somehow iconic despite it being, like the show itself, vapid and idiotic. I mean, look at the expression on John Ritter’s face when he turns to the camera during the opening bumper car sequence and try to convince me this was a quality show. Nonetheless, “Come and knock on our door” is an opening that is burned into my entire generation’s frontal lobes so here it is in its glory at #9.

#8: Growing Pains

Growing Pains ran from 1985 until 1992. I remember only that it was forgettable. The crazy crap Kirk Cameron has done in real life since the show ended is much more interesting than the show itself ever was. Also, apparently there was a made-for-tv Growing Pains movie that aired in 2000? How was I not aware of this? Looks like a gem too.

#7: The Cosby Show

The only reason The Cosby Show theme doesn’t rank higher in my list is because it’s instrumental-only and it’s a bit hard to pin down because the same piece of music (“Kiss Me”) was performed by several different artists throughout the show’s run (1984 – 1992) and they’re all distinct (and all good) so it’s really not one single, definitive theme song. But it is still a fully awesome dance-a-thon with a track that has stood the test of time, a fate not shared by Lisa Bonet’s GIANT linen pants.

#6: The Facts of Life

I never watched the show, but I knew if I didn’t include the Facts of Life theme song in my list I’d get lynched. The show ran from 1979 to 1988 and was probably, like,  good or whatever.

#5: The Golden Girls

Running from 1985 to 1992, The Golden Girls overlapped exactly with Growing Pains. I personally think they were both mediocre as shows, but the Golden Girls theme song in particular is pretty strong. Cynthia Fee’s ‘Thank You for Being a Friend’ accomplishes a lot in 35 seconds or so, and does a great job of setting up the show which obviously is at its heart about friendships that truly endure.

#4: The Littlest Hobo

Obviously The Littlest Hobo theme song is the greatest theme song of all time just as The Littlest Hobo is the greatest show in the history of television. AINEC. I mean, come on, it stars a dog, people. A NOMADIC DOG THAT TRAVELS FROM TOWN TO TOWN SOLVING CRIMES. (Not serious crimes – it’s a Canadian show so it’s more like crimes of the “Case of the Missing Toque” and “There’s a Mouse in my Beer” variety.) Anyway, greatest TV show and theme song in history, obviously, but it lost points because it’s way too damn long so it comes in at number 4. The second run of The Littlest Hobo ran from 1979 to 1985.

#3: Family Ties

I remember Family Ties (1982 – 1989) as being genuinely a very good show. There was a lot more depth to its humour than its vacuous 1980s sitcom counterparts (I’m looking at you, Tony Danza and Judith Light), it tackled some real issues occasionally and it did a pretty good job of building the Keatons into a family you believed – and believed in. And let’s not forget the tremendous cast (Michael J. Fox won 3 Emmys in a row for his portrayal of Alex P. Keaton). The theme song itself, “Without Us” performed by Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams, is longer than it has any business being but it’s overall a very nice duet that hooks up with the central theme of the show and adeptly sets the tone.

#2: The Dukes of Hazzard

The Dukes of Hazzard managed to squeeze six seasons (1979 – 1985) out of a formulaic plot, one-dimensional characters, the same car chase every week and a wardrobe full of halter tops and tight, skimpy little shorts. In other words: ONE HUNDRED PERCENT PURE UNFILTERED GENIUS. Waylon Jennings’ “The Good Ol’ Boys” theme song is fantastic and was very close to taking the coveted #1 spot in this definitive list but settled in at number two. I’m sure Mr. Jennings will be devastated.

#1: Cheers

Cheers ran for 11 seasons, from 1982 to 1993 and that darned “Where Everybody Knows Your Name” theme song, even after all that time, just plain refused to get old. It’s a beautiful song whose brevity belies its willingness to flirt with grander human themes, with just the right blend of charm and pathos, whimsy and gravitas. (Sorry – Mom’s reading so I’m trying to make her feel better about investing all that money in my English degree). Even long after we grew weary of the Sam & Diane dynamic, the Cheers theme song, the best TV theme song of the 1980s, kept pulling us right back in to the hilarious, zany world of a bunch of family-avoiding, deadbeat alcoholics.

Disqualified Candidates

- Bosom Buddies for using a previously-released song as its opening theme and also for being basically the dumbest thing ever put on television

- Fame for being adapted from the earlier movie (but it’s still a kick-ass theme song)

- The A-Team because there exists an excruciating 3 minute, 12 second version of the A-Team theme song that cannot be un-heard

- Dallas, Miami Vice, Knight Rider, CHiPs, Magnum P.I. and  American Hero because even though you remember them fondly, they’re actually not very good – trust me on this one